Wednesday, March 27, 2013

That One "L" Word....

"Allie, I promise you that the passion that you have for your relationship with your ex, will be gone when you move to Thailand. I know that you will fill the feelings you have for him, with the passion you have for the country." My best friend said as she looked over at me from the passenger's seat in my car. It was nearing the end of summer, and I was getting ready to move abroad for at least the next year. I prayed that she was right, because after four years of a tumultuous relationship I needed something to help my heart.

It turns out she was right. She was really right. As soon as I moved to Thailand my heart began to heal, and while I still thought of him, it wasn't in the way that I used to. I became passionate about the new life I was living, and I fell head over heals in love with this beautiful country I have had the pleasure of calling home. I had been so scared of what it would be like if I wasn't in love with him, that I kept telling myself that I was.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I'm always kind of dating, in one form or another. I either always have a boyfriend or I am always seeing someone or there is a love interest in my life. I'm a very social person and I really enjoy the company of others and have always been lucky with having wonderful men fall into my life. When I look back at the people I have dated and been involved with, I feel honored by how many creative, intelligent, artistic, talented, funny and kind men have wanted to spend time with me. Of course it hasn't been all magic, but there has been more good than bad. I've had a lot of fun dating both seriously and casually.

But Thailand has been different. For the past seven months I have been living here single, have not done any dating/ not even been on a date, and really have lacked any desire to. While there is a person I am interested in, the reality is that I live in Thailand and he does not. End of story. For now.

For now I am loving having my life all to myself. I refuse to date/hook up within the teacher community because I don't like sharing my personal business with coworkers and here everything gets around. Instead I have took pleasure in living my own life, uncomplicated by physical/emotional relationships. I have a huge bed that I have yet to share with anyone other than the authors whose books lay beside me at night once I turn out the lights. Currently, I am sleeping with Edgar Allen Poe, and he fills my mind with stories of the gothic comedy. I love that all the plans I make are based solely on my desires. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Who do I want to hang out with? I'm never committed to spending time with anyone that I don't want to, and I don't have to make plans that will please others. I guess for me, being single means being as selfish as I want. It's all about Allie. But at  twenty-five years old, I can't imagine it being any other way. I am writing everyday, laying in the middle of my bed with a cup of coffee, with nothing to distract me, I am making more art than I have in years, and I am allowing myself to get lost in my interests. When I was in a relationship I neglected the things that were important to me. I stopped focusing on myself and rather focused on me and him. I want to be the happiest most fulfilled person I can be, so that by the time I am falling in love again, I am not searching for fulfillment in that person, but rather adventure. I want to be with someone passionate, creative, inspiring and curious. I want a partner who is equal, and who finds those attributes in me as well.

As much as I love being single, there are things that, of course, I miss. I miss having someone to be really stupid with. Someone who you can lay in bed with and laugh with all morning. I miss having someone come up behind me and hug me and kiss me. I miss being able to just touch another person's body, because they are yours and you are theirs. I miss going out to dinner with a boyfriend and being able to eat off his plate, just because he is your boyfriend. I miss just sitting beside someone and knowing there is no one else who you would rather have by your side. Today. Tomorrow. For as long as you can imagine.

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